On a serious note, I have been evaluating our relationship.. The things that have been going on. I've identified some problems... The main thing is we are not communicating. I think on the surface we both appear to be happy but there *are* underlying problems that need some attention. Next is we are frustrated about our financial status. We need a lot of money. That's for sure. But we don't have that much money. But we are not ready to give up some things that will lessen our financial commitments. eg Softie. Both of us are very attached to her. Seriously, I've been brought up in a family where I have never needed to worry about where my money is going to come from. Yes indeed I am a very fortunate girl. When I need cash, I just need to ask. Jack is different. He has to work his ass off for a little bit of money. I sometimes wish he can talk to me more and share with me ALL his problems ... Things that he is frustrated about. True, sometimes it may be so obvious what the problem is, but heck, I sometimes can be so damn blur that I don't know what is going on. Even though I may not be able to help, at least I can know what are the things he is facing so that I may stop myself from asking him certain things or talking to him in a way that may cause any misunderstanding. I think I'm trying my best to communicate well with him but I dun think he wants to participate in this communication. I'm really not sure. I dunno how to approach him.

What has our relationship come to? It has reached a stage where I don't know how to approach him to start talking in a productive manner. This is seriously not good but I really don't know how to solve this problem. Perhaps you can call me naive, perhaps you can say I'm childish. But I think I'm just inexperienced with this kind of guy. My dad thinks that he feels inferior to me and that I've hurt his pride when I want him to listen to me. Maybe he's right? I really don't know. I know I have some attitude problems. But this is seriously ME. I don't really wish to change, and I really really dunno how to start changing. It is so hard to change. I can't find any motivation to encourage me to change. The last major transformation I went through was back in JC, when I had to repeat my first year. What motivation did I have? I felt the need to stand out among my peers because I am one year their senior. I felt the need to stand out among my family members because I am one of the older kids. But now? I don't know for what I will be changing myself for. For my own good? Maybe? But I don't see the good it will bring if I change. Maybe it will make my life much more peaceful because there will be less quarrels. But what's the point if in the end I feel so unhappy about the change? Don't feel hurt because I said I can't find the motivating factor to encourage change in me.. That's because I still feel very insecure about our relationship even though itz already 2 years. YES I feel insecure. I still feel that I am not who you want, simply because of some comments you have made that make me feel that you do not accept me wholeheartedly, regardless of who or what I may become, or how I may look like. The day I feel that you're sure it is me that you want, the current me, is the day I will see the need to motivate some change. Am I the one you want? Or are you still considering other girls should you one day find that I am afterall not the one for you? You might say that I need to change my attitude and some of my behaviour before you can say that I am The One but to change, I need a reason. A good reason. Seriously I am happy being who I am now but if I can complete my life, as well as yours, I am more than willing to change, to accomodate.

Dear, if you're reading this now, can you please tell me what you think should be done? How you feel about the whole thing? Obviously I think there's nothing wrong in the way I am thinking... But I want to know your thoughts and all. Please. Just let me know, okay?