Great.

Things are going seriously wrong. Is it time to let go already? Simon, tell me. Is it time to let go? Why izzit that we try so hard to change and hold on but there is just no positive progress? Is it because we, or rather, I am trying to hold on to something that is not meant to be? Maybe it is just like what Kenneth once said, itz not a matter of whether you can bear to or not. Itz a matter of whether is it still worth it or not.

Is it still worth it?

I am troubled not because of the quarreling. I am troubled because the cause of our problems are the fundamental stuff. Why is he always assuming my plan of action? Why is he always unwilling to listen with an open mind but just want me to listen while he talks? Why do I always have to accept his way of "solving" the problem but he won't even consider what I'm trying to tell him? What am I trying so hard for?

I'm tired.

I don't need to go through all this shit. I am only 21, for Christ's sake. Why am I going through the problems of a sour relationship when I still have plenty of chances in other relationships? Am I allowing myself to be blinded? Since love is blind? Do I know what I'm doing? David says I've lost focus. Have I? Is that why I'm not doing well in everything I'm doing? I think all these problems are coming a little too fast for me to handle. I'm not up to it. Aunt Mui Sian asks me why am I letting myself go through this nonsense when I'm still so young? Shirley has been put through shit too but she can always take it in her stride. Like mom says, Shirley is the kind where if you can get along, you stay together. If not, itz goodbye. Why can't I be like her?

I don't even know how to tell if we are getting along or not. When itz nice, everything is beautiful. When things are bad, the argument gets out of control. Things get bad. Our relationship is weakened. Destroyed by the day. I want to do something constructive, to work out a solution that is beneficial to both of us. But why can't I do it? I'm such a failure. I can't help myself. How do I expect others to help me when this is my problem?

Where has my sensibility gone???

Hikaru, do you know what you are doing? Do you really know what you are getting yourself into? Do you know what is the real problem? The fundamental issue? Do you really know? Are you really ready for things that are coming your way next week, next month and next year? Are you up to it to handle the upcoming obstacles? Don't forget you still have a case, a dog and your studies to handle. Can you do it? Can you really do it?


Fuck I'm breaking down.


Jean asked me: For what reason did I choose to stay with him. I said Love. Is LOVE reason enough? Each time something bad happens, he is so blinded by anger that he forgets that in the end, I still love him, I still care about him. He gives me the impression that in his world, no one gives a real damn about him and he's left all alone to fend for himself, out in the wild. He forgets that at the end of the day, there's still a warm hug waiting for him. From me. I don't know where I stand. Am I a girlfriend? Or am I just a source of affection, love and care that he owns who is expected to keep him happy at all times and take care of his every need? Or is there supposed to be mutual understanding, genuine care and concern or am I just expected to please everyone arond me? I think I'm a girlfriend because he says he loves me. Then don't I deserve to be understood? Are my words, opinions and suggestions not worth listening to? Don't I deserve some empathy from my loved one?

Am I born to be led? Blindly? Led by the social norms, led by a male chauvinist, led by my parents? What is independence? What kind of independence am I enjoying? Whose life am I living? Is it his, my parents', the society's, or mine? If it is my life, why do I have to be led in everything I do? Why do I have to adhere to the morals and norms of the society? Why can't I have my own view, principles and morals? Who has the right to tell me what is right or what is wrong? Who decides what is right and what is wrong? Why is it that I can't take my views as right just because they don't match the social norms and values? Are social norms the only things that are right ?

Am I westernized? I am not. I am just a normal young adult, suppressed by the rights and wrongs of the society and culture. Why are they so against my values? Why am I condemned just for having my principles and thoughts? Why am I being branded as a failure by my parents because of the way I think? Why do I cause frustration to him? Am I so repulsive and so undesirable to the people most important to me? Am I really a bad person? Do I deserve everything that is happening to me now? Am I really a fucked up girlfriend, daughter, sister and student? Why can't I find someone who is able to understand me and relate to me and help me? Where are my faults? Do I have to have a perfect personality? Do I have to be beautiful? Can't I be allowed to enjoy my youth while I still have it? Do I have to give up the golden period of my life because you guys didn't get to enjoy it? Why can't I just die? Why am I brought to this world? To owe you guys something so that I can repay everything with the other half of my life? Or am I brought to this world to see the beauty of life? Why am I expected to deal with everything in the "right" manner when I don't even know what is right? Why don't you guys work out a guideline, a clause, letter of appointment so that I know what is "right" and what is "wrong"? I am expected to discover things myself but I am condemned and branded a FAILURE because I have failed to link my rights and wrongs with those of the society and culture.


Life is never fair. Now I truly understand.