I'm lost. Very lost. What is happening to us? Is it my fault, or his?

Have I changed? Or is it that he didn't know me well enough right from the beginning? It was a mistake, to jump into a relationship like that and fall head over heels so fast, so deep and so committed.

Is it his fault that he didn't know me well enough? Or is it that I've been wearing a mask to conceal my true nature to preserve the relationship. If I have been wearing a mask, I have been selfish to do that for my own gain. But did I really gain? If I did, what is it that I have gained?

He did not wear a mask... Oh well he did, for a few weeks. After that, he revealed his true self to me, gradually. As time went on, I got to know him better and I admit, he isn't The One I'm looking for, but who is? I mean, who is perfect?

I have revealed honestly every aspect of myself that a boyfriend ought to know and he accepted it.

Just to recap, I said:

1. I have many friends.
2. Most of them are guys.
3. I have always got along better with guys. I don't know why. Itz just my nature.
4. (Private and unimportant)

So he said Yes, he is willing to accept these aspects of me. So what is it that they have done wrong, to make him so disapproving of them? Because they are born with the XY chromosome instead of the XX chromosome? Itz not their fault, no?

They are all decent guys and they don't harbour any romantic intentions on me. Neither do I. But why is he only nice to my female friends?

Is it because of testosterone? Is it because finally I am hanging around with XX chromosomes?

NN -> Repel. SS -> Repel but NS -> Attract. Is he a N and my female friends are S? What the hell am I talking about? Of course that's true. Is that why he is so uninterested in my male friends? But he knows my friends! At least my regular friends.

So what is making him unhappy? Is he being over suspicious of all guys or does he feel insecure about me being surrounded by guys almost everywhere?

Is he trying to control my social circle?

Or is he just not feeling well? But he sounded hostile and unfriendly on the phone. When I said Goodnight, he said Bye. That is so... STRANGE. Usually he wouldn't do that. Yes I admit I knew he was feeling sick. I had wanted to stay at home, but he insisted that I go get changed. For some reason, he wanted to go out. To fulfill his promise? I asked him if he was sure he wanted to go out and he nodded his head. But when we were walking to the Esplanade to see the fireworks, he just SAID HE'S GOING HOME AND LET GO OF MY HAND AND LEFT ME STANDING THERE WATCHING HIM WALK AWAY. No bye, no kiss, no hug.

WTF.

What do I mean to him? What is the problem? Is he bored? Tired? Drowsy from the medication? He could've told me, right? That would make things so much better. But he didn't. He insisted everything was alright. This mistake has been repeated SO MANY TIMES and he just can't change. We've agreed before, if anything has happened that any one of us didn't like, we would bring it up honestly and openly.

I don't think it was something I had done. I had quietly asked him a few times if he really wanted to go out. He said yes. Before we met Simon and co, I had asked him if he wanted to go home to rest (he was rather warm and he was so quiet). He said no. When we met up with Simon and co, I had asked him a few times if he was alright. I did pay attention to him and his cold. I even asked him if he wanted some mints in case he got a blocked nose. But he said it was okay.

My dear Reader, what would you have done in my case? Would you have just listened to him and carry on with your conversation with your friends? Or would you just pick up your bag, lead him by the hand and tell your friends that your boyfriend is not feeling well and you'd like to accompany him home to rest.

So I carried on my conversation with the guys. He looked bored, so I tried to include him in the conversation. He did smile a few times, so I assumed it was alright since everytime I asked, he would say he was okay, itz fine. When we just decided that we would walk to the Esplanade, he told me that he was going home and I should go out with my friends. When I asked him to stay until his Dad was going home, since it was only half an hour more, he refused. Could I force him?

Knowing his character, I can never make him do something he doesn't want to. So he just let go of my hand and walked off without even a hug. At that point I knew something was wrong. BUT IT IS NOT MY FAULT. I went off with my friends. You might say, "How could you? He's ill, you know." Yeah, I know. That's why I didn't want to go out initially. But he insisted, and spoilt my night by doing that. But I tried to be nice, I didn't want to pick a fight.

He called me after the fireworks to ask if I had seen them. I asked him why did he stay for the fireworks but didn't want to come with us? He said because we wanted to walk so far. If he had an opinion, a better suggestion, he could've brought it up. Is it so difficult to communicate with me? I asked him to wait for his parents to go home together and he refused. WHY? What is the reason? Why doesn't he want to stay with me?

On my way home, on NR7 (it was such a long journey), I kept thinking about something he kept saying the last few weeks.. "Don't you think we can't click anymore?" I don't think itz because we can't click anymore. Itz because we didn't really click in the first place. I think I tried hard to fit in. But it takes two hands to clap. I think he did try too, but there are some fundamental things about us that don't match/complement each other. I can't say exactly what, though. We are not totally different, but we aren't so similar either. Is it true that two different people will stay longer together than two similar people? If so, then why are we having so many problems lately? We both enjoy outdoor activities. I like shopping, he doesn't. We both love dogs. He likes to stay at home, I don't. He likes hands-on stuff, I do, too, but on different objects. He is far-sighted, I see things short-term. Isn't that a complement to each other?

I don't know, really.

But one thing I am sure of is I have gradually lost my self-confidence over the last 2 years. I have lost my jovial disposition and my friends. He says things that hurt me and my self-confidence. That naturally takes the smile and cheerfulness away from me. I have given most of my time to him, sacrificing some friendships that I value. I have weakened my bonds with my family because I spend a lot of time with him. In the end, what have I gained? A relationship that is constantly on the rocks? Talking and joking affectionately one minute and fighting fiercely the next? Is that what I want? NO! But what can I do? I love him. Yes, I do. I have hurt him, but is it fair to make me take all the responsibility? I can't feel at ease when he is there. I can't relax and be myself. I have to put on my best behaviour like a kid in kindergarten class. I have to be the sweet and demure girl that most Chinese guys desire. Someone who is expected to do what she is told to do, in the best method and if she answers back, what she says is wrong. She is in no position to talk, only listen.

So what if I voice out my feelings ten times, a hundred times? The good things only last a few days and itz back to square one. Does he really understand what I'm trying to say? Why do I have to write this blog? Because I cannot get him to listen to me until I finish what I want to say! He will interrupt me everytime I start and I will be so frustrated that I cannot remember everything I want to say.

He is ever so ready to jump to conclusions, that I am going out with guys, with an intention. That I am trying to betray him whenever he is not there. He is so sensitive to male voices, even if it is a CD. I am expected to be clear and transparent in all my activities but he can answer me with "I am outside." "I'm doing something." "I'm discussing things." and refuses to give me a clearer answer. Is this fair to me? But when I spent my X'Mas Eve with my gal pals, he keeps calling me every now and then to check on me, and told me to behave myself. He just keeps thinking that I am gonna try dirty tricks.

BUT NO! I AM CLEAN. FOR GOODNESS SAKE IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP YOU GOTTA LEARN TO TRUST. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO START TRUSTING NOW THEN PLEASE STOP AND LET ME GO. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU ANYMORE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE AROUND YOU ANYMORE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BUILD UP THE TRUST EVEN THOUGH I HAVE BEEN FUCKING HONEST TO YOU FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS AND EVERY PHONE CALL, EVERY SURPRISE VISIT HAS MATCHED WHATEVER ACTIVITIES I HAVE CLAIMED THAT I AM DOING.

YES I HAVE SAID BEFORE I WILL TRY, UNTIL I SUCCEED BUT HOW CAN I CONTINUE WHEN YOU ARE CONSTANTLY PUSHING ME AWAY?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO BEFORE YOU CAN RELAX YOUR SENSES A BIT MORE? DO YOURSELF AND ME A FAVOUR, STOP BEING SO UPTIGHT, CAN?

CAN YOU SENSE MY FRUSTRATION? CAN YOU DO SOMETHING TO HELP ME? I AM APPEALING TO YOU, PLEASE HELP ME!!


PLEASE STOP SAYING YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU DON'T KNOW AND YOU DON'T KNOW. Can you just make up your mind, what do you really want? We're both adults, if you're playing a game with me to see how long it takes for you to trust someone who has betrayed you before, please stop the game. I am not playing a game with you. I am dead serious about this relationship. If you really love me, when you say you do, can you please think about this? I really need help. I am going into depression. I am feeling numb. Do you know that I am drinking every night, to make myself sleep with no dreams, to numb my senses? THAT IS WHY I AM HAVING RASHES. I AM ALLERGIC TO ALCOHOL. I feel so distant from you. What can I do to bring us closer? Do you know how it hurts and how it feels? To put in all you have to make up for things and the other party is responding in this negative way? You shouted at me on my birthday. You raised the subject of breaking up on my birthday. You didn't come over to my place for dinner as promised, on my birthday.

Do you know how disappointing this birthday was, for me? I was trying so hard to look happy, but I really wasn't. Did I do something wrong in bringing Softie over to my place? Did you ever ask or think about WHY I had brought her to my place, despite the inconveniences and the scolding I got from my parents after that?

Because I knew you would be working the whole afternoon and you had woken up very early on that day so I went over to clear up the mess, I scrubbed the floor and toilet and brought Softie over so that if you went home to change, you wouldn't need to clear up the mess she would make after I left your house. I knew Philip would be with you, so he can stay for dinner and then give the both of you a lift home after that. So in the end, you only needed to put her back where she's supposed to be and then you can rest. But in the end, what kind of response did I get from you? What kind of unkind things did you say about me bringing Softie over?

I don't know what else to say. My mind is blank and I am feeling so down. I'm in pain. Emotional pain.

Who can heal me? Give me some painkillers?